‘On a scale of 1-10, how much does it hurt?’

‘On a scale of 1-10, how much it does it hurt?’

Zero, and that’s the problem. I don’t feel anything.

Sometimes I think that this is the hardest way to feel. I feel numb and like there is something wrong with me. It’s as if my mind has decided it’s just going to turn off all of the lights and board up its windows, not allowing anything or anyone in or out.

I’m being held hostage by my brain… send help ASAP! (and chocolate pls?)

I’m fortunate to be surrounded by people at the moment who care and who take the time to see how I’m doing. I’ve been asked several times this week what it is that they can do to help make things better, and you know what? I have no idea. Nothing is going to make any of this better and at the moment, all I can think about is how much I want to just be on my own.

It’s an unsettling way to feel, to have my mind split between wanting to be on my own and wanting everything and everyone at the same time… nothing is ever simple it seems.

Sometimes I wish that I did have a physical illness, something that people could see on the outside just so that I didn’t have to explain to everyone that actually, I’m not okay. I could just flash them a cast on my arm and they’d sign it and toddle off again. That would be that and in an estimated 6 weeks, I’d feel fine again.

Instead, I feel uncertain as to whether any of this is normal and just how long it’ll be until I feel better. It could be tomorrow, it could be 3 months from now… it’s a mystery.

Who knows what is going to happen in the next week, month or year… I can only live in hope that things will start to look up.

For now, I’ve got my fluffiest socks on and a nice warm cup of hot chocolate. I can live in the moment, in the here and now and look after myself until I do start to feel better.

Stay with me here.